Frankly as a man and a person, I don’t know what to say, particularly on social media. If we sat down together you could tell me your unique story or stories and I could listen.  I don’t know what to say,  because saying or posting sorry likely isn’t enough.  And….after a while, sorry just becomes meaningless.  On FB, I could post a sad face, but who am I sad for: you, women in general, the man or men who did this for you, the entire suckiness of our culture that allows this to happen.  On FB, I could post a mad face, because hearing all these stories, really makes me mad and angry, and miserable.   Your pain becomes a small part of my pain.

What I can say, and have said, is that this is simply not acceptable.   Not just the sexual harassment or assault, but the entire way we allow for the commodification of your bodies so someone/s,  some business somewhere, can sell more product and make more money. The way antiquated sex roles are still taught and maintained in our culture.  The way young boys and girls are learning sex roles by watching hard core pornography on their phones, iPods, and tablets, and thinking that this is normal sex. That this is what they are supposed to do, the way they are supposed to act.  That male pleasure is the goal of all sex, and that painful sex is normal.

What we need is to work on  shouting as loud as we can that we are all human first, and that then we have gender, he, she, zhe.  We must treat each other as humans first.  We must teach our children what is normal sex, and what is not normal sex for most people.  We must talk specifically to them about what healthy sex is just as we teach them, hopefully, about what a healthy diet or lifestyle is.  When we are silent, others jump in to sell our children visions of what is normal, so that they can make money.

Lastly we need to stop using the passive voice where the women is the victim, the rape survivor, the victim of assault. We must instead focus on the the active voice, who was the aggressor, who was the assaulter, who was the rapist. Saying how many girls were the victim of rape, makes this a girl problem. Instead we need to talk about how many teens and men committed those acts.  This is not a women problem, this is a men problem.  And yes some women can commit rape as well.  So we must hold those men accountable.

Lastly if I could, I would take you all out for coffee so we could sit, and if you wanted to, you could tell me your own unique story or stories.  Then I could just sit and listen, and you could know that you had been heard.

© words by Dan DeMarle 2017