Sometimes the ones who should love us the most,

cause us the greatest pain.

Soul searing, hair pulling, breast beating pain,

So much pain, we want to tear the world apart.

Yet…

And yet…

It is their loss.

For you are alive,

for you have value.

Now you can hold on to that hurt and pain,

You can let that person control you through their actions

Even when they are gone, they can still control you.

or…

or…

you can let those screams out,

let those tears flow,

then like a sapling lifting its first leaf after the forest fire,

Begin to grow.

Grow gloriously…

Lift those branches towards the sun.

Become the person you want to be..

Not the person they tried to make you.

 

 

 

 

 

When I was little

The world was big and scary,

So I would hide in my parents’ arms.

 

When I was young

The world was big and scary

And I ran into it.

 

When I was a father

The world was big and scary

And I taught my children to go out and seek.

 

Now I am not old, but not young

Some people tell me the world is big and scary

I tell them life is to be lived.

They say I am, I just live it in this box I built, because its safe.

I say, You can live it in a box,

or you can live it in the world,

but that box is in the world.

Just like ice cream, birds, sunrises, waterfalls, and your first love.

I tell them the world is not really scary, nor actually that big.

It only seems so compared to that box they are sitting in.

They say, but there are mean and ugly things out there.

I say that’s true, but there’s also ice cream.

They say, but I could be killed or die out there.

I say, that’s true. But you will die anyway, that’s guaranteed.

So I say, when you die, you know they will put you in a box.

Of course your already in one, so whats the difference between being alive or dead,

So why not come see this big world.

If you do, we can feed some birds,

see a sunrise,

meet your first love,

climb a waterfall,

and have some ice cream.

Dreaming I travel stars

Lost lion

Wanders asphalt

Dreaming of long grass

Child’s sled for sale

Slightly cracked

Used only once.

Is there a reason

Why

I am always leaving

Or coming back to you

But never staying. 

I want to thank everyone for being who you are. As you know yesterday was the Powerball. I actually bought a ticket. After having a fun two days of day dreaming about what I would do if I won, the drawing came about. Last week there was a NY Times article about Buddhist monks mediating over the bodies of dead people.The point was that mediating over the bodies of dead people makes us think about the fact that life, my life, your life, is temporary. The one thing we know is that each of us will die. Some sooner than later, others later than sooner. So since you are going to die, at some guaranteed but unknown date, are you living your life the way you would like to live it? If I told you, you would die next week, what would you do differently, today? You probably would not be on social media, reading this post, or maybe you would. What the author pointed out, is that people who don’t know they are going to die spend way more money, than people who know they are going to die.  It seems money, and what it can buy, in the face of death, isn’t that important.  A friend spent some time this past summer in Tibet.  When she came back she said that she did not want to forget to be grateful.  Grateful? we asked.  She replied, ‘For all the things we have here, like hot water, and indoor plumbing.’  My eldest sister, had a similar thought when she came back from India.  My youngest sister, just came back, I will have to ask her if she had the same thought.

So what does this all mean?   If you knew you were going to die in a month, would you prefer to message a friend, or go and see them? Would you prefer to sit on your couch and refresh that browser for the 60th time that hour, or actually go out for a walk?   Would you text or call?  Would you eat home, or go out with friends?   I know what I would do.   So if you see me a little less on social media, wait Luminary evening is next week. OK so after Luminary evening if you see me less on social media, you’ll know why. I’m out for a walk.   Oh yes, I didn’t win the Powerball Lottery, but you guessed that already. I have however already won. I won because I have great friends, family, work peers, work allies, and great patients and their familys in my life.  At the end of the day, the $2 dollar ticket bought me some great fantasies, better than spending it on two donuts, or an expensive coffee.  And it also helped me realize, I really am where I want to be at this time in my life.  So, yeah, Thanks Powerball. If I had won, you would have ruined my life.

After writing this, I listened to On being with Krista Tippet and in the interview with Stephen Batchelor in the last 5 minutes he discusses Buddhist meditating on death and how that influences life.